we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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