Pants 0. Shit 1.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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