This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
