Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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