i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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