Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
