my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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