I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
