do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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