Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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