would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
