his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
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You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway