Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
