Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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