i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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