I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
