just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
