Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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