he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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