Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
