Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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