I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you never un-have a 4some
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
