I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
