I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
