and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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