I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
