remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
