apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
