I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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