i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
