Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
