video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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