Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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