Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
