I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
