i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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