I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
