my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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