just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
