Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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