i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
