Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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