so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
