remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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