Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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