our cab driver is having phone sex.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
