Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
