"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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