At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
