someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize