im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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