You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
