You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
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