god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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