Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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