I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
