My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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