I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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