I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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