I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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