I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
