I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this will be a night to untag.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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