So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
