My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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