So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
