can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
